E-raamat: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

  • Formaat: 416 pages
  • Ilmumisaeg: 03-Mar-2015
  • Kirjastus: Simon & Schuster
  • ISBN-13: 9781476762111
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  • Formaat: 416 pages
  • Ilmumisaeg: 03-Mar-2015
  • Kirjastus: Simon & Schuster
  • ISBN-13: 9781476762111
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***A NEW YORK TIMES BESTELLER*** An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a "pink pill" for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer--but as a result of the research that's gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women's sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others' experiences. Because women vary, and that's normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman's sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can prove it.


"Nagoski's book deserves plaudits for the rare achievement of merging pop science and the sexual self-help genre in prose that's not insufferably twee. . . . [ Come As You Are] offers up hard facts on the science of arousal and desire in a friendly and accessible way." --The Guardian (UK) "Like a punch to the gut. When I read the passage that made me realize--after all these years--that I was not actually broken, I began to cry. . . . I wished [ Nagoski] was someone who was actively in my life, someone I could reach out to for grounding every time I momentarily forgot the lessons in her book." --Book Riot "Wonderful new language to help us articulate to women (and their lovers) what is going on." --Huffington Post "Lots of books -- and articles and experts -- claim to have the keys to transform your sex life. This one actually has it. It isn't as fast as taking a pill, but it will last a whole lot longer. You will find no hot new bedroom moves -- it's that deeper-level soul stuff. You know, the stuff that actually works." --Salon.com "It's the science of sex, decoded and demystified. Want to be educated on the latest findings about female genitalia? Of course you do. Empowering and sex-positive at best, this informative read makes for an enticing bedfellow." --Refinery29 "Emily Nagoski is worth her weight in TED Talks, and Come as You Are is a master-class in the science of sex." -- Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of She Comes First "Emily Nagoski has written one of the most important books about sex any woman (or anybody else) could ever pick up, full of insights that are both fascinating and deeply useful. Synthesizing new research and theory about sexuality with old-school sex-positive information of the sort you didn't learn in sex ed (unless, perhaps, you are a Unitarian, or Scandinavian, or lucky enough to be in Dr. Nagoski's class), I guarantee Come As You Are will open minds and change lives." -- Carol Queen, Ph.D., Founding director, Center for Sex & Culture "This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an absolutely necessary guide for all couples who want to understand the ups and downs in their own sex life. It is a must read!" --John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Introduction: Yes, You Are Normal 1(14)
The True Story of Sex
The Organization of This Book
A Couple of Caveats
If You Feel Broken, or Know Someone Who Does
Part 1 The (Not-So-Basic) Basics
1 Anatomy: No Two Alike
The Beginning
The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit
Meet Your Clitoris
Lips, Both Great and Small
Hymen Truths
A Word on Words
The Sticky Bits
Intersex Parts
Why It Matters
Change How You See
A Better Metaphor
What It Is, Not What It Means
2 The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality
Turn On the Ons, Turn Off the Offs
What "Medium" Means
Different for Girls...but Not Necessarily
What Turns You On?
All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways
Can You Change Your SIS or SES?
3 Context: And the "One Ring" (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain
Sensation in Context
Sex, Rats, and Rock 'n' Roll
Your Emotional One Ring
You Can't Make Them
"Is Something Wrong with Me?" (Answer: Nope)
Part 2 Sex In Context
4 Emotional Context: Sex in a Monkey Brain
The Stress Response Cycle: Fight, Flight, and Freeze
Stress and Sex
Broken Culture Broken Stress Response Cycles
Complete the Cycle!
When Sex Becomes the Lion
Sex and the Survivor
Origin of Love
The Science of Falling in Love
Attachment and Sex: The Dark Side
Attachment and Sex: Sex That Advances the Plot
Attachment Style
Managing Attachment: Your Feels as a Sleepy Hedgehog
Survival of the Social
The Water of Life
5 Cultural Context: A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World
Three Messages
You Are Beautiful
Criticizing Yourself = Stress = Reduced Sexual Pleasure
Health at Every Size
When Somebody "Yucks" Your "Yum"
Maximizing Yum...with Science! Part 1: Self-Compassion
Maximizing Yum...with Science! Part 2: Cognitive Dissonance
Maximizing Yum...with Science! Part 3: Media Nutrition
You Do You
Part 3 Sex In Action
6 Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation
Measuring and Defining Nonconcordance
All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways: "This Is a Restaurant"
Nonconcordance in Other Emotions
Lubrication Error #1: Genital Response = "Turned On"
Lubrication Error #2: Genital Response Is Enjoying
Lubrication Error #3: Nonconcordance Is a Problem
Medicating Away the Brakes
"Honey..I'm Nonconcordant!"
Ripe Fruit
7 Desire: Actually, It's Not a Drive
Desire = Arousal in Context
Not a Drive.For Real.
Why It Matters That It's Not a Drive
"But Emily, Sometimes It Feels Like a Drive!"
Impatient Little Monitors
Good News! It's Probably Not Your Hormones
More Good News! It's Not Monogamy, Either
"Isn't It Just Culture?"
It Might Be the Chasing Dynamic
Maximizing Desire...with Science!
Part 1: Arousing the One Ring Maximizing Desire...with Science!
Part 2: Turning Off the Offs Maximizing Desire...with Science!
Part 3: Desperate Measures Sharing Your Garden
Part 4 Ecstasy For Everybody
8 Orgasm: The Fantastic Bonus
Nonconcordance—Now with Orgasms!
No Two Alike
All the Same Parts..
Your Vagina's Okay, Either Way
The Evolution of the Fantastic Bonus
Difficulty with Orgasm
Ecstatic Orgasm: You're a Flock!
How Do You Medicate a Flock?
Flying Toward Ecstasy
9 Meta-Emotions: The Ultimate Sex-Positive Context
Can't Get No...
The Map and the Terrain
Positive Meta-Emotions Step 1: Trust the Terrain
Positive Meta-Emotions Step 2: Let Go of the Map (the Hard Part)
How to Let Go: Nonjudging
Nonjudging = "Emotion Coaching"
Nonjudging: Tips for Beginners
"No Good Reason"
Healing Trauma with Nonjudging
When Partners Dismiss!
Influencing the Little Monitor Part 1: Changing Your Criterion Velocity
Influencing the Little Monitor Part 2: Changing the Kind of Effort
Influencing the Little Monitor Part 3: Changing the Goal
"To Feel Normal"
"This Is It"
Conclusion: You Are the Secret Ingredient 331(6)
Why I Wrote This Book
Where to Look for More Answers
Acknowledgments 337(2)
Appendix 1: Therapeutic Masturbation 339(4)
Appendix 2: Extended Orgasm 343(4)
Notes 347(20)
References 367(22)
Index 389
Emily Nagoski is Wellness Education Director and Lecturer at Smith College, where she teaches Women's Sexuality. She has a PhD in health behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University, and a master's degree in counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education. She is the New York Times bestselling author of Come As You Are and The Come As You Are Workbook as well as three guides for Ian Kerner's GoodInBed.com, including the Guide to Female Orgasm, and her own blog, The Dirty Normal.